We need to talk about 'Spider-Man 3'

I'm not the kind of guy who likes something just because everyone else does, but I'm also not the kind of guy who thinks he's cool for being a contrarian (those people know who they are).

So believe me when I say I am not trying to come across as "that guy" who has to rain on the parade of Spider-Man 3: No Way Home. I don't care if the movie is earning maybe the best reviews and scores of maybe any MCU movie ever, if not in a long time, nor do I care if it bombed.

Having said all that, I did like Spider-Man 3 quite a bit. Sure, it was every nerd's dream seeing all those versions of Spider-Man on the screen at one time. Sony made past Spider-Man movies relevant in the MCU, which is running parallel to Sony's own little universe with Venom (especially after that post-credit stinger suggests there might be another on-screen version of Venom in the future).

But Spider-Man 3's coolness factor came at the expense of many more serious elements of the MCU movie as both a sensible story and one my favorite MCU characters in Doctor Strange were collateral damage.

It's not so much the idea of bringing all the Spider-Man films together, it was how the writers executed it. After the Loki show introduced the multiverse, it makes total sense that these others universes can be connected.

Almost any other direction would've been more sensical than what they did in Spider-Man 3.

At the end of Spider-Man 2: Far From Home, the world learns Peter Parker's true identity, and everyone is shocked that he's only a high schooler. The biggest problem he faces after that? Why, college applications, of course! Colleges don't want to enroll him because Peter is accused by Mysterio for his death and the destruction in London.

Seriously? So colleges are smart enough to not associate themselves with someone who is caught in a public fallout, but they aren't smart enough to realize one of Spider-Man's enemies would try to frame him? And that's not even counting the fact that there was nothing to substantiate Mysterio's ridiculous claims (I guess everyone just goes along with it). Oh, and one other thing: Spider-Man recently helped save the entire universe! You're telling me that everything he did with the Avengers means nothing? But some random video of a guy who literally just caused a giant calamity holds more merit?

The whole reaction to Mysterio's video is wholly contrived and completely unbelievable. Well, I guess I shouldn't say completely, right? Because there are millions of people who live on social media and are stupid enough to believe anything they see, even if it's completely out of context and obviously faked/doctored.

Speaking of doctored, even if you buy the fallout of Mysterio's video, there's no way anyone with any sense can believe how Doctor Strange handles himself during this fiasco.

Peter sees a Halloween decoration in a coffee shop that makes him think, "Hey, I have a wizard at my disposal. Let's see what he can do for me." So Peter heads toward Sanctum Santorum and pulls off some wizardry of his own. He somehow convinces Doctor Strange to put a spell over the entire universe to make everyone forget who Spider-Man's identity is. The spell, of course, is risky because it opens up gaps to the multiverse, about which Doctor Strange emphatically announces how frighteningly little we know. But sure, Strange is dumb enough to risk all that so Peter and his friends can get into school.

What does Strange do to make this happen, though? Why, he messes up an entire spell, of course! He lets Peter, who needs to get tested for ADD, constantly interrupt and make him change his spell midcast. This is the same Doctor Strange who carefully calculated giving the time stone to Thanos because he believed that, if everything was executed just right, humanity would reach that 1-in-14 million conclusion that ends with the saving of half the universe's population.

That isn't the only time Doctor Strange is punked, made to look like a fool, and used as nothing more than a story prop. After Strange and Peter work to capture the uninvited intruders that seep through the multiverse gaps, Peter's pride clouds his better judgment as he believes he knows better than Strange. He decides he wants to help the visiting villains instead of sending them back where they belong. Strange implores him not to do that, but the young kid shows his inexperience by caring more about a couple of villains' sob stories than Strange's much larger wisdom, because of course kids know what's better for everyone than adults. So Peter absconds with the portal that could send the villains back.

What ensues is the dumbest fight maybe in all of the MCU. Sure, the action is great and the cinematography is outstanding. But Doctor Strange - the same Doctor Strange who, let me remind you, who went toe to toe with none other than Thanos when he had four of the six infinity stones (in my single favorite action clip of the entire MCU history) - somehow can't handle a few spiderwebs from Peter. Apparently Peter's knowledge of math is strong enough to physically stop the great wizard! Really? Are we really going to give this a pass? This is such a joke. Again, the only reason this happens is because the story needed Strange to be out of the picture to allow the second act of the movie to occur. Of course, he magically (no pun intended) appears at the tail end of the big finale with the three Spider-Men.

Quick sidebar: what a missed opportunity for Marvel to have some fun! Sure, it's cool to bring back the other two actors who have played the character, but come on, there's an entire multiverse's worth of Spider-Man versions you could've played with. Why be so limiting? Maybe that's Sony's decision, though. Who knows.

Strange's final solution to close the movie is to make everyone forget who Peter Parker is, including the people who loved him. It's such a gimmicky way to reset Spider-Man's story, and I do feel the collaboration with Sony is somewhat handcuffing the MCU. That spell brings even more risk into the picture, and its ramifications could spill into Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness. All because a kid conned a wizard into doing some stupid things.

Yes, I'm aware I sound grumpy, and yes, I really did love the geeky moments with the return of Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire. After Garfield's Spider-Man caught Tom Holland's MJ, then smiles, I about shed some tears. Such a redeeming moment. The "amazing" pep talk Maguire gives Garfield was hilarious. The cool shot of the three of them swinging around together, then posing (Yelena would be most displeased) brought me so much joy. The story didn't shy away from heavy moments, either, as aunt May was killed. The future for MJ and Peter, who have been spectacular together for three movies, is in jeopardy. The movie had a lot going for it, but it took the core of the story and one of the premiere MCU characters too lightly to make this movie elite in my eyes.